Tuesday, September 8, 2009

FAQ #2

"Were you bewildered?"

Not really. I don't know why I wasn't.

The stroke felt more like something that was happening to me rather than something I suffered. It's really the first time I ever felt completely passive. Eventually it occurred to me to wonder how it happened, but I was never really surprised. The fact is, I experienced it and didn't have time to react to it. My friend Barbara came to watch my kids while it was descending on me and she said she was as shocked as I was. When I replied that I wasn't shocked she had to agree--according to her, I sat there smiling and waiting for the ambulance. (Eventually I guess I was only able to smile with half my face, but she didn't mention that.)

Jeff went into immediate action--you could tell he was tense, but bewilderment would have been impractical. Cole was scared and worried, sitting in a chair facing me, but Gwendolyn kept playing calmly.

People here keep referring to my "faith," but it wasn't faith that I would be able to play violin again or faith that I would survive. I knew that everything would be okay--even if I lost the use of one whole side of my body--even if I could never speak again--even if I died.

Fortunately, I'm okay.

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